Finding a therapist 

After S suggested EMDR might be helpful for me, I started researching, what actually is EMDR? Will it work for me? What are the options like around me? 

Even though some therapists will do EMDR therapy alongside talking therapy, it is not very common for 2 therapists to treat a person at the same time, and this was really difficult for me. I have been seeing S for over a year and we have built a really good working relationship, and I trust her. That doesn't come easy. I was also really worried this meant I was going to loose S. I did, however, communicate this with her and she was able to reassure me through this part of my journey, I needed that at that time. 

Fortunately, again, the healthcare provider agreed to cover my EMDR therapy. So next I had to find someone to see. This was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I ended up sending an email to nearly every therapist within a 20 mile radius (picking up the phone and giving them a call would probably have been quicker, but that is something that's really difficult for me). I gave a high level overview, explaining that my clinical psychologist has suggested I seek EMDR therapy, the diagnosis I have received and asking if they had availability. 

Many of them replied to me within a week and requested a call. The phone calls differed greatly, with one lady who said that, unfortunately she didn't think she would be best suited to help me, another who seemed to want to know everything about me, and another who only wanted to know a little bit and cut me off before I went too deep into any 'life events'. Initially, I was rather taken a-back by this, but I reflected on it a lot, and actually there was something about her that felt right. I can't explain it, but I got a vibe. You have to make sure you choose the right person to go through your journey with, trust your gut and allow yourself to pick up on the 'vibe'.

She was going on holiday, and didn't have any immediate availability, but said she would let me know once she had some come up and asked I let her know if I find someone else. 

The following week, I emailed her again and explained that, if she was still open to seeing me, that I would like to wait for her to have availability. 

I had now found my therapist, we'll call her 'E'.

The first ever session

The day of my first session actually came around a lot quicker than I was expecting. 11am on Tuesday 1st July 2025.

I emailed E the week before to ask if there was anything I needed to bring or prepare in advance of our first session. Unfortunately, she had some unexpected absence and wasn't able to reply to me. Even though I was anxious in preparation of our first meeting, I decided that if she had needed me to prepare anything specifically, she would have let me know in advance. 

I did a lot of googling to see if I could find any information about what I might need to take or prepare in advance, but I couldn't find anything very helpful. 

As I have been in therapy for quite a while and I have covered a lot of information with S, I decided to get a new notepad (new always helps with a hyper focus) and make a note of the different techniques and strategies S and I have covered. I also noted the journey I have been on with J and with the ADHD journey. 

I am TERRIBLE with dates and remembering things in chronological order, so I considered also writing out a timeline of events but I decided that if we needed to discuss certain situations, it would come up. So I decided against doing that. I also thought that the session was likely to be more conversational and if I had written it down, I would be more robotic and not 'connect' to the situations or events we discuss. 

I went in with an open, yet inquisitive mind. Unsure of what I was walking into. 

Going to new places is something that causes me increased anxiety. It is something I really struggle with. I had already googled the building I was going to so I knew what it looked like and I had found all the surrounding car parks incase there was no space. I arrived 45 mins early and sat in my car for 35 mins with my music blareing. I also took a puzzle book, fully expecting to arrive in plenty of time, and I wanted to keep my mind busy so that I didn't stress myself out about what I was walking into. I also decided to take with me a bottle of water, a packet of tissues and a rock. (The rock is one that my son gave to me on our first holiday to the seaside. It's about the size of a 50p and it it something that I like to hold and stroke if I am stressed or upset.  It brings comfort and makes me remember happy times). When the time came, I walked around to the building and took a seat in the waiting room. It was small, cool (it was so hot outside today) and there was calm music playing quietly. E came to collect me from the waiting room at the time of my appointment and welcomed me with a warm smile. 

The room was not very big, with few decorations around. Nothing particularly noteworthy about it. But I guess that is intentional, given you need to be present in therapy. 

E gave me an overview of what EMDR is and what it may look like for me, and for her to get an idea of what I want help with and what I want to get out of EMDR, or what I will do differently if the treatment is successful. E explained that she will likely write a lot down and asked if that was ok. We had a brief discussion about what has led me to this point, then we jumped into my 'history'. I felt like I was jumping around a bit with my story telling, but E kept up with me and asked for a little more clarity odlf she felt she needed it.  We didn't go very deep into any of the events in my life. It was all very similar to other talking therapies where you tell them about your past or what is bothering you.  

The biggest difference, and I wasn't expecting it, was for each event we touched on, E would ask about the feelings I experience when thinking about them, what thoughts there are associated with them and what I would like to think about the event instead. 

For example, one of my 'life events' is related to the passing of my father. So, the feelings I experience with this is guilt, shame, sadness etc. I have thoughts like 'i am a terrible daughter', 'i hope he didn't hate me, or think I hated him when he passed' etc. Instead, I would like to have acceptance that islt wasn't my fault, to think that he would have understood that I was young at the time and navigating a difficult world. 

I hope that makes sense. I found it really difficult because I have never thought about things in this way before. E was able to guide me through some parts of this. But also if I said I had no real feelings towards it, she seemed to make note of that too.

For some of the events we discussed, I was also asked to rate how intense the feelings are right now, with 0 being no worries at all, to 10 being the worst ever. This was also really hard for me, because when I was telling her about my events, I wasn't 'connecting' with the feelings, it was more of a fact sharing session.  I wasn't opening those boxes! Not yet.

Once we had gone through my timeline of events, we did something completely different. E asked me if there was anywhere that I felt particularly safe or particularly calm. My favourite place in the world is a beach we used to visit when I was a child. She asked about what I would experience if I was there, the sand between my toes, the sea breeze through my hair and the sound of the gulls singing at the top of their lungs. She asked me to think about that beach and cross my arms with my hands on my shoulders. Tapping gently, one at a time, to sit and feel in that moment, embracing the calm. Now, I'm not very good at imagery. Ask me to picture an apple, I see the word apple. But I was able to connect with the calm feeling and recognise where in my body I was experiencing the sensations. Then I was asked to think of something minor that I found stressful (work when it's busy???), notice the physical sensations the stress is causing in the body and where I noticed it. For me, it was in my chest, tightening. Then she asked me to think back to my beach again. To remember the calm. In that moment the physical sensations changed, my shoulders relaxed and my chest lifted. "Ok, maybe I can do this!" 

E asked me to practice this exercise this week, with things that aren't strong emotions but that are a little uncomfortable, and just taking myself back to my beach... homework! 

(We didn't actually get on to discussing the questionaires in this session, the history taking took the full time, but we did mention them and agreed to discuss them next time.)

5th session 

**trigger warning**

I was anxious as I made my way to therapy today. I think, knowing I was going back to address the same trauma event as last week was difficult. 

At the beginning, we discussed an event which happened this week which triggered me a little. My GP refused my shared care with my ADHD specialist. It triggered thoughts that noone cared and  that I wasn't worth it, not worth the effort of trying to help. It brought up memories of the difficulty I had when I was seeking help following my mental breakdown at the end of 2023 and difficulties I had at work where a manager was trying to get me to step down and making me feel like I wasn't good enough to do my job. - we looked at how this related to the situations we were working on and how the emotions are similar to what I feel about the memory.

E then asked how the rest of my week had been. She could tell I keeping something back. 

We have started exploring a memory from when I was a teen. I was sexually assaulted by a family friend. We are not yet addressing the assault itself, but instead the time when I told my mother about it. At that moment, she didn't seem to really hear me. It was dismissed and we got on with our day. A time later, I told a teacher at school who escalated the issue through the relevant parties and contacted my mother.  At this point, I was taken seriously. 

So last session, we had returned to the memory. E had suggested I try to have the initial conversation with mother again, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't make the word scone out of my mouth (in my head). E suggested that I take my support person with me. She understands that this is difficult, so by giving the teenage version of me someone who truly understands and can support can be helpful in the moment. I still couldn't do it.  It was like the film had frozen, unable to move past the initial gathering (myself, mother and my support person). E suggested that maybe the support person tells mother for me. So the message is still received, but takes away the need for me to say it. - It was hard, but I managed that. That was how we ended last session. In the meantime, my brain has been.... working overtime, let's say. In the scenario in my head, my mother is angry. Angry I didn't tell her. Angry someone else found out first. And angry that this person is now telling her something that she thinks I should tell her myself. 

So now, I have 3 events linked to the same situation of telling my mother about the sexual abuse. The reality of when I first told her, the reality of when school got involved, and the made up situation whereby my support is telling her for the first time and she is mad. E asked if I am feeling ok to go back to this today. Reminding me that I am in control and that I don't have to do anything that I don't want to. She acknowledged the anxiety it was causing me and reassured me that these are normal reactions to a situation like this. I understand that it is ideal that we reprocess all the events in their entirety before moving on, so I agree, and we get started. 

I needed a bit of clarity initially, where am I going to? Which memory am I trying to return to? But E said that I could go wherever it felt most natural to go, and I am going back to connect to the feelings and emotions that the whole situation makes me feel now. Connecting with them and noticing how they feel. We had discussed the feelings which I had identified, but were they cognitions, or emotions. Which was the underlying emotion or emotions which we were trying to address? 

Shame, embarrassment and fear.

We start the butterfly tapping and after a very short time E brings me back to check in. I noticed feeling sad and disappointed. I went back to the initial, real event, where I tried to tell my mother. I am sad and disappointed that I haven't been heard, she has dismissed what I told her and I have reached out for support and the support isn't there. I don't know what to do now. 

Butterfly tapping again. When E brings me back, she asks what I noticed now. In my mind I have moved ahead to being sat in the classroom and I am just about to tell my teacher about what is happening. I am scared because I don't know how she is going to react. Scared that she will not believe me. Scared that I will be dismissed again. 

Butterfly tapping.... I feel as though I have lost control. The teacher has 'jumped into action' and left me in the classroom while she seeks further support. I don't know what is happening next, who is being told and what comes next. E reassures me, in this place, in her room, I am safe. I have control and we can stop at any time. Am I ok to continue? I nod. 

Butterfly tapping.... I am sitting in the school reception, waiting for my mother and the senior management team of school to come out of their meeting. Scared of what will happen next. I have a student support manager say with me. She has told me that I have done the right thing in telling someone, that I have support at school, and that what he did was not ok. That my feelings as valid and that I am safe here. E highlighted that, in that moment when I had been feeling dismissed when I had previously shared the information, I had been heard. The school had listened and the school had acknowledged my feelings and offered the support I wasn't able to receive at home. 

Butterfly tapping... What do you notice now? Well, mother is going 100 miles an hour. Exploring what she needs to do to fix the situation. I guess this is her way of showing she cares. She is doing what she can, practically, to 'fix' the situation. She tells me that she will stop him coming to the house immediately and offers to contact the police...I declined that offer. But still, she doesn't acknowledge the hurt, worry and sadness I am feeling. I just needed my mother to understand how I felt, see how I was hurting and show she cared. She seems incapable of doing that. Feelings are not her strong point, but I guess she is doing what she can, and that is her way of caring. 

Butterfly tapping... I'm scared. I don't want to go home. I'm worried about what mother will say. Will she blame me? Was it all my fault? Did I get myself into this situation? Should I have done more to stop it?  I also don't know how much she knows, I don't know what she was actually told. And she never asked me. We have never really spoken about it, so as far as I know, she has no understanding of how I feel about what happened, or even what actually happened. So, we have evidence that she did care (she stepped up straight away and took action to keep me safe moving forwards) but she wasn't able to give me what I needed (no emotional connection or unable to meet my emotional needs).

Butterfly tapping.... I'm not as scared anymore, just like that. On a scale of 1-10, probably a 6. It has come down significantly. The shame and embarrassment are still high though. E asks what the feelings are like when I think back to the beginning. The first time I told my mother. I acknowledge that the beliefs I hold in relation to the event have shifted. Maybe, it wasn't that she didn't care, but instead that she didn't understand the seriousness of the situation initially. It's hard, as an adult looking back, I understand that, but the belief isn't quite strong enough to say, categorically, mother did care about me, she did respect me and that my feelings mattered. E suggested we go back again, but my support person comes with me, to reassure me I am doing the right thing and that my feelings are valid. 

Butterfly tapping... Nope. I can't. I started crying. I had to stop. E asked what the trigger was, what happened to cause the upset. I explained, I tried to bring my support person with me, but it is hard because I don't feel like I deserve the support. We try again, but with my person just acknowledging that the feelings are ok, the feelings are valid. 

Butterfly tapping... It's hard. It's like my brain is fighting. I only felt the way I felt because I allowed him to do and say the things that he did. Maybe I instigated it, I didn't shut it down soon enough, so it's my fault this situation even needed to happen. That I needed to have this conversation in the first place. I shouldn't need this reassurance, this support and I don't deserve it because I shouldn't have allowed it to happen in the first place. Maybe I just didn't make it clear to him how uncomfortable I was feeling - We discussed the fact I was in my early teens, below the age of consent. He, as a middle aged man, should have known better and that, therefore, it cannot have been my fault.  I understand that, as an adult, but I don't 'believe' that to be true. We went on to discuss how my mother's actions, albeit not what I needed emotionally, addressed the situation once she understood the severity, and did support me in safeguarding. That maybe, initially she didn't understand how it made me feel and that it wasn't a big deal until school got involved. So, let's go back again.

Butterfly tapping... My younger self has a lot of self blame. I feel as though the whole situation is my fault and I didn't do enough to prevent it at the time. So we go back again, but this time, instead of trying to argue that it wasn't my fault, recognise the emotions and validate, it is ok to feel this way.

Butterfly tapping... The fear has gone. The shame and embarrassment are still there, but they are much lower 1 or 2 out of 10. E wonders what is keeping these feelings there. What is going on to make them still remain. I explain that, although I understand that the fault doesn't lie with the young teenager, there are still two parties involved in the interactions. How can one person be solely responsible? E asked, where does the embarrassment and shame come from? What did I do to encourage his actions?  I think, initially his actions were just friendly. We would laugh and joke, and he was charismatic. We were part of a group of people, largely adults, who had the same hobby. We got along and would spectate, stood together, laughing and joking. E made me realise that this is normal behaviour, it would be strange if I didn't do the same as everyone else. But that doesn't excuse him taking things too far, things progressing and what he did. We digressed. Back to the memory.

Butterfly tapping... My logical mind overwhelmed my thoughts. I wasn't able to go to the memory so I asked to try again.

Butterfly tapping... I'm more accepting that the fault doesn't lie with me. I hold onto just a small piece of the blame. E asks where my beliefs lie. I'm relation to my mother caring about me. Initially, with this memory 'mother cares about me' was very low. I believed that she didn't care because she didn't listen initially when I told her, now, however, on a scale of 1-7 I'm at a 6. I believe she did care, and I can recognise that within her ability she showed this once she had an understanding of the weight of the situation. 

We established that the beliefs have changed, at least mostly, and that my mother did care for me. And she evidenced that as soon as she understood. Even though the beliefs weren't quite at 7 out of 7, we installed the memories and new beliefs 

Butterfly tapping... slowly... Nothing changed, so we go again 

Butterfly tapping... slowly...the tension has decreased and I sit more upright in the chair. My demeanor has changed and I'm more comfortable in general. 

I think (hope) this event is now completed. I guess we will see how this week goes. For now, I'm exhausted. 

The 6th Session 

Between the last meeting and this one, I emailed E as I just feel like I am having difficulty getting to a point with the memory we are trying to reprocess to be able to install it. Even though we did start, it doesn't feel quite right to do that, so I contacted her to ask if we could park it and return back once we had reprocessed a few more memories which maybe aren't as tricky. I was surprised by her response, as my understanding is that once you have started one event, you should complete it in its entirety, but she said that was fine. 

I went in this week feeling a little less apprehensive, I think knowing that we were able to move onto something different really helped, even though whatever that was to be was unknown. 

As we started out meeting, I asked how recently 'trauma' can be that we reprocess. I wanted to understand if something that happened as recently as this year, which I haven't really spoken about before due to it not being historic, could still be addressed as part of EMDR. E explained that within EMDR we can look at past, present and future. The recent event was a situation at work whereby a senior manager, and my manager were supporting my return to work following my 'breakdown' and asked on multiple occasions whether I needed to take a step down within the department to a less senior role, or reduce my hours.  I expressed on multiple occasions that financially, reduced hours wasn't an option, and that taking a step back would have a negative impact on me due to how hard I've worked to get here. It would just feel like my mental health difficulties were winning. So to me, these were not an option, although I understood I could reassess my needs in the future. They didn't listen, and kept suggesting the same thing which made me feel as though they had lost faith in my ability to do my job. Since working with E I have reviewed many of my life events and considered whether they 'fit' into the 2 topics of work we are doing. I really think this one links in substantially to 'im not good enough ' and 'my feelings don't matter'. I asked if it was something we could add to the list to work through. 

E pondered this for a moment, then said that actually this could be a good idea to start next. A complete switch, and outside of how we would normally work through things, but we agreed to start work on this one. 

It started really well. I was able to take my 'person' with me to the memories and I felt a grin taken over my face as they advocated for me and backed me up. Explaining to the senior manager that the way he was treating me and the things he was saying were not on. But then, it stopped. I'm not sure why. But I couldn't work through any further. The best analogy I have is when you are reprocessing a memory, it is like you are watching a video on the internet (although I'm not very good at imagery, I recollect the conversation, situation and location to the best of my ability, it doesn't need to be perfect) but then, the WiFi drops and the video starts buffering. It's like I can't get past that. I can't reconnect the WiFi. 

I get really frustrated, because I want to be able to do this right.  I want to be able to reprocess the memories and start healing. The first one was so easy. I know that it won't all be smooth sailing, but I didn't expect to find it this hard. To just not be able to do it. 

Since the session, I've been fighting in my own mind and finding it really hard. Part of me just wants to give up, to quit, to cease my sessions and give in to the difficulty. But, I know that won't help in the long run and I am doing this to get better and aid my healing. I have seen the benefits first hand with how effective EMDR can be. I know I need to keep at it, I'm just not sure that I can. 

E emailed me yesterday evening, after the session to check in. And reassure me this is collaborative. She won't make me do anything I don't want to do. I know I need to be honest with her about the thoughts I am having, but I'm worried that in doing so, she will take that as I actually do want to quit...I don't, I am just having a battle with my mind. I have hinted to this but also explained that, I am having difficulty in this moment, being completely transparent as I am worried she will end things. That's what happened with S and I am not ready for that yet. 

I'm awaiting a reply, and every time E has contacted me in-between sessions, she has been wonderful. So I guess time will tell. 

Time to go and find something to soothe the senses and find my happy place, to help me just accept, this isn't pleasant, but there is nothing more I can do right now. 

7th meeting 

In the last week, I've been having a lot of difficulty. Part of me majorly wants to throw the towel in and give up. I know that isn't the right choice, I've done so much work over the last 18months to get to this point. I have been through a journey of discovery and learning, and I want to keep progressing, but I am getting in my own way. I have been hesitant to tell E exactly how I have been feeling, and the battle I've been having, because when I was with S, I feel it was misunderstood and she then referred me to EMDR when I thought I wasn't ready to end that relationship. I actually contacted S for some support with how to approach this with E because I wanted to be honest, but I was scared to do so. 

Luckily, E emailed me one evening last week and that opened up conversation, but I felt myself holding back and unable to be fully honest. S, fortunately, made a bit of time for me. We spoke about the difficulty I am having and, to be honest, it was lovely to see her. I felt myself just feel at ease, something I hadn't felt this week. This helped me to be fully transparent with E, and also reassured me I'm not alone. 

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Today, I went in and sat in the waiting room. Anxiety rose as I felt unsure of what I was going into and unsettled in general. As soon as E called me in, a weight was lifted slightly. Just seeing her, and her open and welcoming manner gave me the reassurance that we are in this together and she is there to support me, despite me telling her that I was feeling conflicted. 

We didn't actually do any reprocessing today. Instead we had a discussion about how to move forwards and what we need to address to be able to make progress. I have recently been getting stuck when trying to access the memories which hasn't allowed me to reprocess them fully. Neither of us want this barrier to effect the ability to do the work. One of the 'check ins' E does throughout the process, is to ask how 'in my head' I am, instead of present in the room. Today has helped me to realise that I am more often not as present as I need to be. We spent some time noticing the items in the room and installing them which helped to call my nervous system and remain focused on the conversation, similar to grounding techniques. 

8th and 9th session 

I didn't write last week, I guess I didn't really feel like there was much to update you on, but on reflection, I wish I had. 

Last week was really positive. E and I came up with a plan for how we were going to progress. Looking, first, at future events. I struggle with anxiety and going into big stores like Tesco is really challenging for me, so we decided that we were going to start there as trying to access historic events have been blocked by my mind and I haven't been able to access them to be able to reprocess them fully. I was feeling really positive and feeling hopeful we can make progress.

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Yesterday, I spoke to S as she has been trying to get in contact with J and having difficulty with speaking with her. In this catch up, S persuaded me to contact E to make her aware of some of the things I have been having difficulty with. It was hard because this is new and, therefore, scary. So I did manage to email E and ask her to ask me about something specific, to open the conversation, otherwise I know I won't raise it. 

So today, E asked almost straight away. I knew she would, but I felt so anxious going in, waiting for it to come up and how she would react. Of course, she was fine. No surprise, no judgement, just a few more questions to ensure understanding, but in a supportive way. 

I'm really starting to feel like I can trust E and feel safe with her, I just need my subconscious to believe it too. 

E highlighted a situation which I had explained from the week where I had been frustrated, but actually acknowledged I had asserted myself. I don't know how she does it, but she always seems to be able to see the whole picture and another view I can't see. We did go off on a tangent with this , but it seems really important, on reflection. 

E seemed a little concerned about my relationship with S, but I think I was able to explain how the relationship remains professional, but not therapeutic and S is just acting as a part of my support network while I am struggling and learning this new way of working. 

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One of the difficulties I have been having and has been impacting my ability to fully engage in EMDR is auditory hallucinations. I hear a voice, I know as 'him'. He has been around since I was in my teens and, at that point in time, was helpful, protective and supportive through a time where things were really difficult. Nowadays, he gets in the way, is aggressive and abusive. He makes it really difficult to access all the memories in full and distracts me from what I am doing. 

E and I have been discussing how to approach him and how to work with him, rather than get rid of him and reassure him that this is ok. 

I understand that he is actually part of me and therefore my own mind, but he doesn't feel that way and his dialogue doesn't seem to derive from my own thoughts, so it is hard to accept. 

E thinks that we can look to reprocess him and his relationship with me. He is threatened by this and doesn't like the idea, but E is the expert and I think we will work towards that. 

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Another thing that we discussed was my connection to emotions and feelings. Growing up, how to manage emotions was never modelled, so I never learnt how to manage the emotions or what I could do to help manage the emotions at the time. Therefore, I learned to bottle emotions up and not feel them, so I go through life with just a numb feeling. 

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We tried accessing the feelings of anxiety around going to Tesco. I was having difficulty feeling anything at all and E asked me to really try to picture going to the shop and notice the physical sensations I could notice. I explained that I could feel tightness across my chest, but not the expected anxious tightness, but instead, I just felt like I was going to cry. 

He came in and started trying to tell me this therapy thing is a waste of time and there is no point. E isn't bothered by this, which really helps, because if she also listened to him, we would be really stuck and probably not able to work together. 

I really want to be able to get rid of him, if he was actually a third party, I would cut ties and not have a friend like this in my life. But I can't do that. 

E is really supportive, and reassured me I can do this. On a few occasions, which is really helpful when I don't believe in myself. 

I need to be able to retake control. 

Session 10

This week has been very stressful. S and J finally spoke to each other about me and it was decided that I should have an appointment with J. When I asked S what the appointment was for, and if it was just a standard medication review, she said yes, but also she has asked J to do an assessment with me. She was quite vague, which is unlike her, so I asked J for a little more information upon booking the appointment, but I never got a response. The appointment was booked for 12.00 on Monday, and I spent all weekend stressing about what it could be and what assessment we were doing. I conducted vigorous Google searches (I know, not ideal) to try to work out which assessment it could be. I knew it was likely in relation to 'him', although I couldn't be sure. J contacted me at 12.20 to explain that she had had a morning of difficulties and overrun meetings and asked if we could meet at 13.30. Of course I agreed, I couldn't cope with stressing another day about the unknown. 

The meeting with J was different to any we have had previously. They have always been half hour or less and quite clinical. Not that it has ever come across rude, or that she doesn't care, but she has always noticed if I have struggled to share something, and said to me that I don't need to share something if I don't want to. She hasn't asked many questions, and she has been in place alongside talking therapies, to assess and manage medication. 

This time, J asked more questions, allowed me plenty of time to respond and acknowledged when it was hard and reassured me that it was ok, but safe to share. Emotions were already high as I was so anxious going into it, but I cried, and I cried hard. I haven't cried like that in a while and I obviously needed it, sometimes you do need a good cry and to let those feelings out. J has confirmed, twice, that she doesn't believe the voices I am hearing is any sort of psychosis, but instead a symptom and result of the extended trauma I have experienced. This was such a relief. I was so worried I was going to get a new diagnosis, and that would result in me being taken away from my family... dramatic, I know, but I couldn't help but have that worry. Overall, the outcome was good. J is going to write a report to my healthcare provider to request more appointments so that we can check in again in a few weeks, but it is also something I can share with E if necessary too. I feel genuinely supported by J now as well so it is nice to know that she is there if I need her. 

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Today I explained to E about what had happened and there I had been so apprehensive and I didn't know what I was going into and wanted to prepare if I could. E could understand why I had been anxious. And I was able to confirm that I don't have any kind of psychosis, which we all knew really, but the reassurance was welcomed. 

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Today we discussed the option of 'him' coming to the sessions and being welcomed into the sessions. E asked how old he thinks I am, as she thinks that he still thinks that I am a child and I need protecting, but instead I am now an adult and he isn't needed as much. 

I am trying really hard to accept and understand that the difficulties I experience now are not just because of the 'traumatic events' I experienced in my life, but also because I never had the feelings or emotions at the time acknowledged or validated and therefore the feelings were not allowed to happen. And so now, I don't know what to do with the feelings, and when I feel now, I feel hard and I don't know how to manage them. 

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We decided to go back to try to process the event where my mother dismissed me when I tried to tell her about the SA, but instead of the last way we did it, with fast butterfly tapping, we used a flash technique. 

We did slow butterfly tapping while concentrating on a positive experience, I used telling my husband about 'him' as although it was scary it went really well, and I was accepted. So my concentration was held by the positive feelings, I would then blink 3 times, then go back to the positive memory. Once we did that cycle a few times, E then told me to go back to the difficult memory for a very short time, then refocus back to the positive one. It was very different to before, but not as difficult to access the difficult memory. It was a little tricky to remain in the positive memory, and my mind did keep wandering, but overall, it was more doable.