I felt much calmer heading off for my meeting this week. I knew where I was going, I had been there before and I had met E so the logistics were easier than they were previously. I arrived in plenty of time, but not ridiculously early, unlike last week. 

 

I had been thinking a lot during the week in between, and I realised I needed to ask E some questions to be able to feel truly comfortable. I guess, I needed to get things out in the open about things that were concerning me to enable to open communication which will be so important as we move forwards.

I entered the small waiting room and sat down in the same chair as I had waited in the week previous. I sat back in the chair and slouched as I took a deep breath. I was already more comfortable in this setting than I was the previous week.   This is going to be ok. 

 

E called me in and we exchanged small talk briefly as I sat and got settled. I explained how I had come armed with a variety of questions that I had been thinking about since we last met. She smiled with an exquisitive tone. I know we had planned to discuss the questionaires that we didn't get round to last week, but she said we could start with my questions that I had brought with me. I think she could tell that I needed to ask them for my own peace of mind. I knew what her answers would be for most of them, but I needed to hear her say it. I wish I had prepared them for our first session, but let's be honest, we didn't have time for that anyway.

I'll share with you what I asked, why I asked it and her response:

1. If things are hard to talk about, or feel too 'hot' at the time, are we able to pause and come back to it a little later?

1a. If yes, how do I communicate this to you?

1b. What should I do if I feel uncomfortable or unsure at any point in time?

- E explained that, through the EMDR, we will be going to memories which are really unpleasant. It is to be expected that at times it will be really hard to talk about. She explained that later on, when we actually start the reprocessing, we will come up with a signal together that will work to enable us to communicate this. Apparently, we actually want to keep pushing on through the hard parts so that we can get to the point where we are able to install the positive connections to the memories instead of the hurtful ones. She did however reassure me that we can stop if I need to.  

- I asked this because, for me, I need to have some kind of control. If I feel out of control, or stuck i will panic or dissociate. I needed the confirmation that I will still have some control over the discussions.

2. I won't intentionally lie to you, however if things are difficult, I may try to skirt around something. If I do that, you may need to ask me a direct question to get a full answer. 

- this was more of an FYI for E. I am very good at masking and, therefore, avoiding things that it isn't always helpful to avoid. I wanted to make her aware so when I am trying to say something without actually saying it, she knows she can ask a direct question.

 

3. I'm not very good at reading between the lines. I really struggle to understand when something is implied. You may need to be more explicit at times. 

- although I will try to imply something without saying the words, if someone does it to me, I really don't get it. This was another FYI moment. I'm really glad I shared this, because it opened up a conversation whereby E said that she would prefer I question something if I'm unsure. It also opened up a discussion around how I will worry that I have upset someone based on a 'vibe' or a look they may give, even if there was nothing to read into (thank you neuro-spicey). We have contracted that if there is anything that occurs like that, we will raise it asap so that I don't dwell on it during the week between sessions. It was good for peace of mind. 

4. In the consent form, and on the phone, you mentioned needing contact details for my next of kin. I understand that, if you have significant concerns you may need to raise this from a safeguarding perspective, however this is something that concerns me. Are you able/willing to inform me before you contact anyone else? 

- this is something else which comes down to needing to have control, to an extent. I would rather have the opportunity to put her mind at rest, than her contact someone without my prior knowledge. I'm not going to lie, I knew what the response would be. The standard, not breaking confidentiality unless there is significant risk to self, others or a crime being committed. 

I am glad we had the conversation though. I had already explained that one 'tell' that things aren't going well is that I will isolate myself and not respond to messages, however I was able to reassure her that despite how I feel, I wouldn't purposely ignore a message from her (I never have when S has contacted me and the relationship is different). 

E also took some notes of things that I would be comfortable with her saying or asking if she did feel she had to contact my emergency contact. 

 

5. Although I understand there is an amount of confidentiality which comes along with a client - therapist relationship, but do you have a manager/colleague you can speak to? 

5a. What level of information is shared if you do?

- E had already started telling me about the 3 people who are within her professional support network from an earlier discussion. Again, the answer she gave was very much what I expected. She does discuss cases with a select few very highly accredited parties who each have different specialties. But the sessions are used like a brainstorm type session and they may have ideas of other things which could help. First names of clients are used, but if there is even the smallest possibility of a conflict of interest, the discussions stop. It was reassuring for me that she has support if she needs it.

 

6. What does the ending of our sessions look like/how do we know when our work is done?

- Loss is a really significant trigger for me. Whether the loss is by someone passing, or my manager moving to a different team, it is all hard and causes grief. The sessions with S ending, although in part we're my choice, it still caused me to grieve. I knew that I needed to know what the end looked like and what to expect as this will help soften the blow. 

- E explained that we would do a review and assessment as well as put a document together that works a bit like a safety plan. I'm not sure she really knew how to answer the question, but we were able to have a discussion around it and also it enabled me to make it really clear that endings are hard for me. 

7. What are your expectations of me throughout this process?

- Well, this one threw E. She has never been asked this before 🙈. She wasn't quite sure how to respond. I explained that I was coming in to this with an open mind, but asked if there was anything she needed from me. 

She told me that she had already worked out that I want to do the best I can and she explained that my logical mind may actually get in the way of the therapy being as effective. She asked that I allow my emotions and feelings throughout the process and let go of the analytical thinking to let the emotions in where I can.  I guess, there is no right or wrong, only what works for you.

8. Is there anything we can't or shouldn't discuss or I shouldn't disclose? 

- this made her chuckle. 😅. Basically, as long as I don't tell her I'm going to commit a crime, we're good? 🫣

9. Is there anything I need to know about how to best communicate with you? I can be very blunt, and my filter doesn't always work. I will say something before I consider it's delivery. Do I need to consider the way I say certain things?

- since my neuro-spicey diagnosis, I have a better understanding of how I can be perceived in different settings. By asking this, it allowed me to explain that I would never say anything to intentionally upset or offended her but, especially with heightened emotions, I can be really blunt and the first thing that comes out of my mouth can be abrupt. This is another time where we contracted that we would be open in our communication and ask the questions if it was needed. 

I did explain that if I felt any sort of way, I'm more likely to go home, then send her an email to check in instead of raising it immediately, but that's the way my brain plays tricks on me. 

Overall, the session today was really productive. I'm glad I took questions and statements which I felt it was important to ask and share and I feel it has set out a really good base for us to communicate effectively in the future. 

 

My take away from today, and if I could give you any advice from this at all, is ask the questions! Even if you think you know the answers, if you need the reassurance, ask the questions. A good therapist will not be worried or think badly if you do and it lays a good foundation for moving forwards. I just wish I had done it in our first session, but lets be honest, we didn't have time 😂. 

 

 

E is now away for 2 weeks so there won't be an update for a while